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Sandpaper & Glass

One woman's journey with vulvodynia.

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Hi! I’m Grace.

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Instagram: @sandpaper.and.glass

The DREADED question: "How are you doing?!" 🔹 For years my answer was unequivocally, "Happy! I'm really happy." And I really was. 🔹 But these past few years, that hasn't been true. Depression hit hard. Anxiety ruled my days. And I found myself lying to friends and family, giving them the highlights of my life in response to this question instead of the truth. 🔹 A few months ago, I decided to be more forthcoming with how I'm really doing. And you know what? My friends and family understand. They are here for me in ways I never knew before... Because I never truly let them in before. And in a (not so rare) moment, someone will respond back saying that they are having a hard time, too. And in that moment you can lift them up while they lift you. 🔹 We really are stronger together. 🔹 I encourage you to open up. Be vulnerable with the people who will hold your vulnerability and match it with theirs. And maybe, just maybe, you won't feel so alone. 🔹 Image from @simplysadiejane

New post on the blog! Link in bio for full text! 🔹 This is one of the shame tapes that runs through my head often. "I'm broken. No one wants me. Why would anyone want this? I'm broken. I'm broken. I'm broken." 🔹 I was shocked when my previous therapist said, "I don't think you are as broken as you think you are..." A small thread of hope laced through me. Maybe she's right. 🔹 Image from @brenebrown

Sometimes all we need is a reminder. 🔹 This past week I sunk into a deep depression. With the tools I am learning in therapy, I was able to keep in communication with my husband. I used healthy coping mechanisms to keep my mind occupied. I also engaged in positive thought redirection (very gently, of course)... But it was still so hard. 🔹 I know how hard it is to feel so alone. To feel like no one cares whether you are here or not. To feel so weak. 🔹 I am learning to reach out for help in those moments (or days... or weeks...). I tell my husband what is in my heart, and he showers me with love. He tells me I am loved and needed. And slowly, my mind relaxes into the truth in his words. 🔹 If you are in need of someone to remind you how much you are loved -- reach out. Just try. I know it is hard to find the right words. I know it hurts. I know you don't want to acknowledge what is inside. But just try. 🔹 And if, in the hardest of moments you still can't speak... PLEASE believe me when I say you are needed. You are loved. I want you here. So stay with us a while. Image @drurytherapy

I've written post after post and deleted each one in turn. Then, two days ago I wrote something I felt decent about and decided to finally share. In a turn off fate, however, Insta froze and lost my draft! 😅 🔹 Is the universe trying to say my message isn't relevant? Maybe. But I decided today that I don't care. Anxiety and caution can take a back seat. 🔹 I know I can't make everybody happy. That's why I just have to share what stays in my heart. And TBH, there are so many things I'm passionate about. Vulvodynia, self-advocacy, therapy, community, marriage... These are just a few of the things I've shared so far. But there is more. So much more I want to touch on. 🔹 I worry about expanding the scope of conversation. Will people lose interest in what I have to say? Will my message get lost in the noise? Will I be relevant? Was I even relevant to begin with? 🤷 🔹 Who knows the answers to these questions. Time can only tell. Image @carlyhaecktherapy

Spring is in full swing over here and guess what? 🔹 We've spent the past 2 weeks holed up inside sick as dogs. And despite nature being the world's best medicine, we've traded off who is too sick to leave the house... so we end up just puttering along inside. 🔹 And that's okay. We have our whole lives to be adventurous and even though we are missing the waterfalls that will dry up for the season... there is always next year. 🔹 Though, I'm not going to lie, I fluctuate between content with taking the time to heal and feeling frustrated that another one of us woke up coughing/feverish AGAIN 😷. And I seem to have been hit the hardest with whatever-this-is so even my heavy duty antibiotics aren't bringing me back to full-strength. Laaaame. 🔹 Hubs & the kids seem to be better now, so we are just waiting for me to join the party. Hopefully it's soon or I'm going to lose it! 😥 Image @gottmaninstitute

As a cis-gendered woman in a heterosexual relationship, I really struggled with my role as "wife" when we learned that intercourse was extremely painful for me (due to vulvodynia). 🔹 We've come to learn the truth in this statement: Sex doesn't have to involve intercourse. (And in many relationships, intercourse doesn't happen at all!) 🔹 I'll talk more about this later... But I just wanted to share an experience from my therapy appointment the other day. 🔹 As you know from my previous post, I met with a new therapist. As always, I needed to explain the what's, why's, and how's of vulvodynia. At one point, in an effort to gauge our married relationship, he made a comment something like: "So I hope this isn't too personal, and you don't have to answer, but do you have sex, then?" 🔹 I had the wonderful opportunity to teach my therapist about the differing DEFINITIONS of SEX and INTERCOURSE. 🔹 I said something like: "We have a full and happy sex life. We are intimate often. But penetrative sex (or intercourse) only happens very, very rarely. For the purposes of my therapy, I would appreciate if you could distinguish between penetrative sex/intercourse and sex/intimacy." 🔹 My therapist listened to me. He agreed and thanked me for teaching him. I smiled knowing that we will learn a lot together. Image by @drlaurenfogel

Recent Posts

Broken. May 2, 2019
Re-Branding April 29, 2019
Tightly Wound: A Film About Vaginismus March 4, 2019
Anxiety and Over-Sharing. February 26, 2019
My Story. Part 7. Systemic Nickel Allergy. February 11, 2019

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