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Sandpaper & Glass

One woman's journey with vulvodynia.

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Hi! I’m Grace.

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Instagram: @sandpaper.and.glass

This is definitely easier said than done. 🔹 But is it worth it? HECK YES! 🔹 Sometimes this will mean cutting back on your schedule so you have more time for a hobby. Sometimes this will look like going to bed earlier so you have energy in the morning to get to work without rushing around like a tornado. 🔹 Maybe it looks like quitting your job you hate and pursuing a different field. Maybe you set up a budget so you stop wasting money on who-knows-what in order to save up for that vacation to New Zealand you've always dreamed of. 🔹 Sometimes it means prioritizing mental health. Maybe it means walking barefoot at the park because you like it. Who knows, maybe it means singing and dancing in the aisles at the craft store when your favorite song comes on. 🔹 And maybe... just maybe... it means getting off the diet culture roller coaster and choosing to learn about intuitive eating/exercise and health at every size. 🔹 We all feel social pressure to fit certain molds. We learn to quell our happiness to appease others. We shrink and make excuses and say, "I''ll get to that dream later." 🔹 My advice :: adjust accordingly. 🔹 I'm not sure where I got this picture from. If you know, comment below! I'd love to give credit where credit is due.

In the absence of some beautiful words of my own... I defer to Brené. 🔹 I can pretend we are on a first name basis, right? 🔹 Her work on empathy and vulnerability is life-changing. I highly recommend Googling her and reading / listening to anything of hers you can get your hands on. 🔹 This week I've turned towards those around me and shared my truth. I've sought connection and found empathy. I've been listened to, cried with, and held. I've been given space to heal. I've been shown understanding. 🔹 Empathy is a superpower. Vulnerability is a superpower. And I'm forever grateful for friends and family who show up for me in these times of need. 🔹 I don't know how to navigate this territory. I don't know what to share or when to share it or what this means going forward... But I'm learning to hold space for the unknown. 🔹 Image and quote @brenebrown

My husband. 🔹 He is my rock. My calm mind in an anxiety storm. My caretaker when I am emotionally numb and can't get off the couch. 🔹 He supports my dreams and listens to my fears. He readily and sincerely apologizes and forgives me when I do the same. 🔹 He gets up with the kids at night. He does the dishes and the grocery shopping. He holds me when I cry. 🔹 He started going to therapy earlier this year and I can honestly say it has improved our connection and relationship 100%. We talk more deeply now. He shares the parts of him that are confusing and I help him piece things together in-between sessions. He has been vulnerable enough to accept help. I love him all the more for that. 🔹 He has been patient with my vulvodynia. He never pressures me. He tells me that every relationship has obstacles to work through and this one is a part of ours. He wholly accepts our reality and lovingly reminds me that I am worthy of his love. 🔹 It hasn't always been this easy. We fight, get frustrated, and stressed out. We have worked through the process of coming to terms with vulvodynia. It was difficult. If you read my blog you'll know I don't sugarcoat it. 🔹 But is it worth it? Yes. The more we grow together, the more I can't imagine a better person for me. 🔹 Image from @kim.rose.art

My heart is hurting. 🔹 Some stuff came up in therapy yesterday that I am struggling to comprehend. 🔹 When I got home, I pulled from my toolbox of compassionate self-care. I asked my husband for a hug (he took a break from work and held me). I snuggled a fuzzy blanket. I asked my sister to send me a funny meme (and boy did she deliver). I suggested takeout for dinner (everything else sounded gross and I knew I needed to eat something). I cancelled plans to go out. I read to my kids (they help ground me to the positive present reality). I listened to beautiful music and sang uplifting spiritual hymns (connecting to my faith helped remind me of a bigger picture). I called my sister-in-law and talked with a friend (who helped talk me through the situation and come to better terms with it). 🔹 I did all these things... And I am still hurting. 🔹 AND THAT IS OKAY. HEALING TAKES TIME. 🔹 6 months ago I would have spiraled in a really unhealthy way. I would have tried to numb my emotions through binge eating, binge Netflix watching, constant complaining, and retreating away from others. It probably would have lasted days/weeks. 🔹 Now I reach out, try to hold space for the good and the bad, and engage in curious objective self-talk while making decisions to see if they are intentional or habitual. 🔹 I'm not perfect. I still have a long way to go. After everyone else was in bed, I felt isolated and alone. I knew I should go to sleep but my thoughts kept me awake. I stayed up wayyy too late and ate a few cookies that I wasn't really hungry for (I actually went in the kitchen for a glass of water because I was dehydrated... and habitually ate cookies instead). BUT I was able to recognize what I was doing, realize it wouldn't serve me, and switch gears. I gently reminded myself that I needed sleep, not cookies... And I went to bed. It was that simple. No shaming. No berating. Just self-parenting and compassion. 🔹 I'm grateful for therapy. I'm grateful for the work I've been doing the past few years which has prepared me for an experience like this. Even though it is hard, this life is good. 🔹 Image from @ateliecasa53 shared from @priii_barbosa

I haven't had therapy for a few weeks and I'm feeling a bit ruffled! Can't wait for my session, y'all. 🔹 Prioritizing my mental health has been one of the best things I could have ever done. 10/10 would recommend. Image from @revacooklcsw

I've had an amazing few weeks: soaking up knowledge and friendship. Family time and time in nature. Taking inventory of my mental, spiritual, and physical health... and seeing where I can improve. 🔹 Therapy (with an emphasis on self compassion) has helped me come to a place where I can see the ways I want to change without immediately feeling like an incredible failure for not being there yet. I'm able to more clearly feel peace in my past and current state, while also having hope for the future. 🔹 And I realize how incredibly lonely and depressing it felt for years. I was always berating myself for my failures. For the things I lack. For not having it all figured out. 🔹 I went to the @ahomeoflearning retreat earlier this month and heard something that resonated with my soul. "It is unfair for me to judge yesterday's actions with today's knowledge." @hankrsmith 🔹 How often do you do that? Judge yourself (or others) for not knowing better... when you legitimately didn't know any better?! I'm here to tell you to Stop. Doing. That! It's unfair. It's unreasonable. And it's unkind. 🔹 I know I've not been perfect. Goodness knows I've spent countless hours crying to my husband, therapists, friends, and God about it all. I often worry about how others who knew me then will view me now. I often wonder if I've ruined the powerful future God has for me by being thoughtless and naive. 🔹 But time and time again I'm reminded that it is all going to be fine. As long as I try again each day to be a little bit kinder and better, that is enough. I am enough. I always have been and I always will be. 💜 🔹 [[I'm unsure of where I got this image. If you know who the artist is, please let me know. I'd love to give credit where credit is due.]]

Recent Posts

Anxiety, Avoidance, and Accountability July 7, 2019
Lots and Lots and Lots of Thoughts: Diet/Wellness Culture. June 24, 2019
Step Away From Diet Culture, Love. June 16, 2019
Broken. May 2, 2019
Re-Branding April 29, 2019

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