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Sandpaper & Glass

One woman's journey with vulvodynia.

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Hi! I’m Grace.

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Instagram: @sandpaper.and.glass

Heyyyyy. It's been a while. 🔹 And despite the fact that I have so many things I want to say and to share, I haven't been able to bring myself to post them here. I have been feeling a burst of anxiety again these past few weeks. It sucks. 🔹 Today is particularly anxiety-filled. I've been working on a few things in therapy and nutrition counselling (with a non-diet dietician, @rachaelhartleyrd ) that have brought up some hard memories and emotions. I could feel my anxiety creeping up the scale the past 2 weeks, but I couldn't pinpoint what it was stemming from. I was trying to be open, non-judgemental, and mindful about my anxiety... But those efforts got lost in my day to day life (can you say avoidance, anyone?) 🔹 Then, sitting in church today, it hit me. I had a particularly hard memory resurface earlier this month and I have been trying to shove it back down. Unsuccessfully, of course. I've been engaging in numbing coping mechanisms. I've been shirking my responsibilities. I've been more emotionally distant. I was hoping the anxiety would just go away. 🔹 Yeah, it doesn't do that. Instead, the anxiety finds another way to get noticed. 🔹 So it doesn't surprise me that last night I had a really triggering dream. I can't remember the details, but I do know this much: in various settings 3 people who love and respect me were acting in an unkind way. They were mocking me. They were talking about me as if I was crazy. 🔹 I tried to talk to them, but they turned away. I ran after them, but they ignored me. I screamed and they shared a look of disgust. I started engaging in more dramatic behaviors -- hitting, clawing, crying, swearing, begging -- but they just laughed at me. 🔹 And then I woke up. All morning I've been trying to process this. A deep feeling of hurt and bubbling anxiety has made it really hard to feel comfortable in my own skin. 🔹 I made it through the morning okay, but once we arrived to church I felt so claustrophobic. I felt like I was see-through. I couldn't hold it in anymore, so I excused myself and sat outside pondering. In a moment of understanding, I put it all together. (Cont in comments) Image from @myendostory

Wrote a blog post today and I'm proud of it. Check it out! Link in bio. 🔹 STEP AWAY FROM DIET CULTURE, LOVE. 🔹 Stepping away from the brainwashed idea that I have to LOOK GOOD in order to BE GOOD is one of the hardest things I have ever done. 🔹 I share some incredible, life-changing messages I've saved from some of the Instagram accounts I follow. Each of these messages have required me to think in different ways. I encourage you to take some time journaling/thinking on these topics. What resonates with you? *Ignore any formatting issues, I'm still figuring the blog life out* Image @immaeatthat Other accounts I have loved and learned from (not a comprehensive list): @rileylaster_rd @kristamurias @bodyposipanda @i_weigh @evelyntribole @drjoshuawolrich @chessiekingg @rachaelhartleyrd @thedietboycott @jessijeannn @ownitbabe @nude_nutritionist @dietitiananna @thefashionfitnessfoodie @beauty_redefined

AIN'T NO SHAME IN THAT GAME! 🔹 I remember being in high school and feeling like it was so unfair that I had to go to such great lengths to hide my tampons. I would slip them up my sweatshirt sleeve. Discretely find an excuse to take my purse or backpack to the bathroom. 🔹 Not to mention the way being on my period would affect activities (i.e. gym class, swimming, camping) or my emotional health (i.e. exhaustion, pain, anxiety about bleeding through). 🔹 It always felt like this huge, taboo thing... This unspoken rule that half the world has to sweep under the rug each month. Because talking about it is gross. Because the thing happening to you is gross. Because you are gross. 🔹 Somewhere along the lines, I got fed up. I made a conscious decision to speak up and stop hiding. "I'm on my period," I would say... with no hint of it being something to joke about. 🔹 I started holding my tampon in my hand, instead of slipping it up my sleeve. I started getting it out of my backpack or purse before heading to the bathroom and just saying, "I'll be right back." In restaurants, at church, at school. 🔹 And you know what? The world didn't end! People didn't die from being grossed out. Honestly, no one mentions it. It is no big deal. And I like it that way. 🔴 Not sure where the image is from. If you know, let me know. I'd love to give credit where credit it due.

When you sit in quiet stillness, what comes to mind as something you can improve upon? 🔹 For me it is: spending less time on the computer. 🔹 In January I made a conscious effort to reduce the time I spend on my phone. I deleted most apps and started to bring books with me everywhere. It was a needed and lovely change. 🔹 But recently I've started to notice how much time I am spending on my computer at home. I often have 4 windows, each with 10+ tabs open, and Netflix going in the background. 🔹 Talk about engaging in distractions to numb my emotional and physical needs. 🔹 So, after a few weeks of noticing my patterns and realizing the desire to change -- I am ready to set the computer aside and focus on other things. It's amazing to me how scary (anxiety inducing) it is to gently step away from my coping mechanism. I feel a sense of panic because "how am I going to cope // what else will I do with my time // how will I live without over-researching every last decision I make?" 🔹 But I'm so hopeful about the outcomes and habits I will form that it is worth stepping into this unknown. 🔹 Image from @carlyhaecktherapy

The DREADED question: "How are you doing?!" 🔹 For years my answer was unequivocally, "Happy! I'm really happy." And I really was. 🔹 But these past few years, that hasn't been true. Depression hit hard. Anxiety ruled my days. And I found myself lying to friends and family, giving them the highlights of my life in response to this question instead of the truth. 🔹 A few months ago, I decided to be more forthcoming with how I'm really doing. And you know what? My friends and family understand. They are here for me in ways I never knew before... Because I never truly let them in before. And in a (not so rare) moment, someone will respond back saying that they are having a hard time, too. And in that moment you can lift them up while they lift you. 🔹 We really are stronger together. 🔹 I encourage you to open up. Be vulnerable with the people who will hold your vulnerability and match it with theirs. And maybe, just maybe, you won't feel so alone. 🔹 Image from @simplysadiejane

New post on the blog! Link in bio for full text! 🔹 This is one of the shame tapes that runs through my head often. "I'm broken. No one wants me. Why would anyone want this? I'm broken. I'm broken. I'm broken." 🔹 I was shocked when my previous therapist said, "I don't think you are as broken as you think you are..." A small thread of hope laced through me. Maybe she's right. 🔹 Image from @brenebrown

Recent Posts

Anxiety, Avoidance, and Accountability July 7, 2019
Lots and Lots and Lots of Thoughts: Diet/Wellness Culture. June 24, 2019
Step Away From Diet Culture, Love. June 16, 2019
Broken. May 2, 2019
Re-Branding April 29, 2019

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