Space and Grace.

I’ve just returned to this blog from a 6-ish-month hiatus. I left without a warning, stopped responding to the blog e-mails, etc. And I am sorry for that. I hope each person who needed help was able to find it while I was away.

I am going to be vulnerable in this post. Not with you– the reader– because I am always truthful and vulnerable with you. But to myself.

I need to acknowledge and move through the emotional pain.

Gosh, I don’t even know where to begin. 

To be honest- I’m frustrated. I have spent years working and doing every single thing I can think of to become pain-free. I have gone through the ups and the downs- the hopefulness and the hopelessness. And each time, each time, I start something new I get into a mindset that “This is the thing I’ve been missing!”

So when I started Pelvic Floor PT a year ago, I was beyond hopeful. I was certain that this would be the last thing I needed to complete my healing process. My husband was gone with the military and I had it all planned out.

By the time AJ returned home to us, I would be pain-free and we would instantly have a baggage-less intimate relationship. I honestly envisioned us starting over. Like we could go on a second honeymoon and erase all the pain and trauma that has built up inside me.

Yeah, that didn’t happen. 

And when that didn’t happen I spiraled backwards in my progress. My pain increased, my tension increased, my anxiety increased, my libido dropped… and I locked away pieces of myself more securely as a protective mechanism.

I’m to a point now where I want to open back up. I want to share and heal and commune with others experiencing this same pain.

But to be honest, I am not quite ready yet.

In therapy yesterday, I shared how I have so much shame about not being ready to talk about it. Last year I committed to myself that I would tell my story to the world… the good and the bad… and here I am closed up again. And my therapist said something that was really profound.

Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is to talk about not talking about it. 

So here I am… talking about not talking about it.

I don’t have much else to say other than… I am struggling. This is hard. Brutal. Even sitting here typing this out I feel like I want to vomit. I have so many layers of trauma to work through. More layers than I thought I did.

BUT I AM WORKING THROUGH THEM.

Despite not being at a place where I can share about all of that with you, I am still working on it. Behind the scenes: in conversations with AJ, during therapy sessions, reading books, and through pondering and prayer… I am working on it. 

And trust me, when I am ready, I will share.

I don’t know when that will be. So my presence on this blog will be sporadic at best for a while… but I ask that you give me grace as I work through this. And I thank you for your patience.