This is very vulnerable for me. Me, of all people. The person who has spent the past two years urging youth to be vulnerable. Yearning to foster a world of more openness, oneness, and empathy. Me, the person who will virtually tell any person our struggle if asked. Me, the person who has learned that in vulnerability there is strength.
And still, I struggle.
I struggle with how people will perceive me. Broken. Damaged. I struggle with how people will react. Internet trolls. Taking things out of context. I struggle with anxiety — am I going to say the wrong thing? Come off as insensitive? Get my facts and information wrong? Do I need to cite sources or just go based on my general knowledge from doctor’s visits over the years? Do I write for my friends and family or for the general masses? Who will even read this? Is this going to be TMI or just what someone, somewhere needs to hear?
All I know is that I have had a consistent, nagging feeling in my heart. Write it out. I have been dragging my feet for over a year, letting anxiety take control. But I feel deep in my bones that this will help women find words for their pain. I hope that men will learn to sympathize. I hope that couples will learn to communicate together and grow stronger for their trial. I know that regardless of the outcome, if I follow this guiding prompting… I will feel peace.
Here is my anxiety again– am I using too many commas? Breathe, let it go. You’re not a professional writer. No one cares about the commas.
So here I go. I don’t know if I will write ten or a hundred times… for a month or for a year. I don’t know how long I will go in-between posts. I don’t know a lot of things… but I do know my experience. I know that we are still in the thick of it. And I know that I am ready to share.
…………
I have a condition called vulvodynia.
*Information quoted from the Mayo Clinic Website*
Vulvodynia: “(vul-voe-DIN-e-uh) is chronic pain or discomfort around the opening of your vagina (vulva) for which there’s no identifiable cause and which lasts at least three months. The pain, burning or irritation associated with vulvodynia can make you so uncomfortable that sitting for long periods or having sex becomes unthinkable. The condition can last for months to years.
The main vulvodynia symptom is pain in your genital area, which can be characterized as:
- Burning
- Soreness
- Stinging
- Rawness
- Painful intercourse (dyspareunia)
- Throbbing
- Itching
Your pain might be constant or occasional. It might occur only when the sensitive area is touched (provoked). You might feel the pain in your entire vulvar area (generalized), or the pain might be localized to a certain area, such as the opening of your vagina (vestibule).
Vulvar tissue might look slightly inflamed or swollen. More often, your vulva appears normal.
…
Because it can be painful and frustrating and can keep you from wanting sex, vulvodynia can cause emotional problems. For example, fear of having sex can cause spasms in the muscles around your vagina (vaginismus). Other complications might include:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Sleep disturbances
- Sexual dysfunction
- Altered body image
- Relationship problems
- Decreased quality of life”
How awful to be going through this, Grace! I had no idea this was even a thing honestly. Wishing you all the best as you all work to solve this. Love you!
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I would imagine that the majority of your readers are women and with that thought in mind, I would like to share that you have men, like myself, who sympathize with you. I was appalled to see someone comment with such blatant insensitivity to your struggles and pain. The fact they said, “ew” proves that they harbor a landfill of negativity and lack of self-esteem but mostly, they lack knowledge. They haven’t taken time to educate themselves on the physiological imperfections that arise in these mortal bodies we’ve been given. I once read that bullying, or even people who just choose to insult others, has nothing to do with the victim. It completely has to do with the perpetrator and internal personal struggles that they have yet to acknowledge are their own to resolve.
Having depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideations on a regular basis, I can understand some of the emotional weight you’re dealing with. Having taken anatomy classes, I can respect the physical pain that you have endured and continue to endure. Having prayed and received an answer that our Heavenly Father loves each and every one of us, I can confirm that you have multitudes of people in heaven and on earth cheering for you and lending strength to overcome the few voices that want you to think otherwise.
We each have perfect souls, temporarily inhabiting imperfect bodies which come with their own unique obstacles. The unfortunate individual who made the decision to lash out obviously hasn’t come to that understanding yet. Again, you have a strong support of women who empathize far better than I could but know there are many men, including AJ (duh), who appreciate your openness in sharing your story to improve the situations of others.
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It is the “ewwww” mentality that keeps this stuff taboo and makes people feel so isolated and helpless. You are brave to put it all out there so that someone else may find peace and strength to know they are not alone. Proud of you!!
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You are not alone! Your blog is awesome
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Me too xxx
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My friend directed me to this blog because she knows of some of my very similar struggles. I have never been diagnosed with this condition, but it turns out that food allergies play a major role in my afflictions. I have cried many times to my husband about vaginal pain. It has caused difficulties for both of us. I have prayed to just not be in pain, and I have wondered if this is just what the rest of my life will be. Since the food allergy discovery, things have been much improved. I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to share your story. I know that there are many many women who will benefit from your courage. I’m sure that there are also many men who will be able to gain a deeper understanding of what women they love may deal with. I am saddened to see negativity directed to you for sharing these struggles. Please ignore it. You are doing a good thing.
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You’re such a strong person to write about this, and also know you are not alone ❤ I too struggle with a similar condition called vaginismus, and have for 8 years. It’s inspiring to see more women out there telling their story:) if you ever want to talk, feel free to contact me
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